An Open Letter to my Toe Nail

Dear Toe Nail,

As I sit here applying a lovely coat of polish to my poor abused toe nails I have a nagging suspicion that you are considering breaking up with me.  I get it!  My feet are not the best place to be if you’re a toe nail.  However, before you go I have a few things to clarify with you.

– I fear when we were first introduced you had the naïve idea that just because I paint my toe nails yours would be a life of luxury. I’m sorry to have disappointed you, but these feet have laps to swim, hours to bike and miles to run. I’m not sure how you ever got the idea that we would be spending any length of time in a nail salon. If you had just looked around, you would have noticed the obvious lack of pampering. I didn’t think it was something I needed to spell out for you.

– Your complaints have been heard and addressed to the best of my ability.   I spend a small fortune on the best socks, if it’s raining outside I sacrifice – just for you – and run on my treadmill to save you the trauma of running AND being wet, I am very careful about the shoes I buy – again just for you. Frankly, I find you to be an ungrateful whiner. I have 9 other toe nails that do their job without complaint. You are the only one who feels a need to make your dissatisfaction with my lifestyle an issue of constant nagging. Seriously…toughen up already!

– I wish you would pay attention to the work other body parts are expected to do. You haven’t spent one minute sitting on my bike saddle. To date, you are the only body part that seems to think the solution is to just shrivel up and fall off.

– I think you misunderstand my efforts to cover you with nail polish. I can almost hear you trying to accuse me of covering up the obvious abuse I inflict on you. On the contrary, I am simply trying to hide the blackness of your soul with a shiny disguise. I am protecting you from the judgy looks of those who wonder why you are being so ugly. In fact, even after you’re gone, I will paint my naked toe to hide the empty spot your absence will leave. I don’t want people talking about your wimpiness.

– I heard through the grapevine that you think I am being too possessive when I wrap you in a bandaid at night. I understand this makes you feel trapped. However, you are not the first toe nail who has broken up with me. I’ve been around the toe nail block a few times before. I know the drill…you look all pitiful, accept all the tender care I offer in my attempts at reconciliation…then right in the middle of a deep sleep cycle…BAM…you grab hold of my sheet and rip yourself free. Never does a disgruntled toe nail leave at a convenient time…so I apply my bandage of protection. I need my sleep!

I hope this clarifies the scope of our relationship and provides some closure as we part ways.  So long, farewell, hasta la vista….

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1 Response to An Open Letter to my Toe Nail

  1. bdm63 says:

    Hahahaha!!! This is the best adieu to a toe nail I’ve ever read!! It also makes me grateful that my toe nails are very happy to be with me. 😉

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